Brace for impact – How I learned to deal with narcissists
Let me be brutally honest. I do believe that the label “narcissist” has become somewhat trendy and is currently being overused to the point of even appearing in a hit single by Taylor Swift. The bright side of this trend is that awareness is being brought to a very severe and significant topic: How to recognize and deal with people who have narcissistic personalities.
I am a survivor of a relationship with a narcissist and have encountered several narcissists at work in various roles, be it a direct report or a manager. I found a somewhat tongue-in-cheek definition of a narcissist that resonated for me: (n.) A more polite term for a self-loving, manipulative, evil a&@hole with no soul.
Encounters with narcissists are brutal and seldom end well. But over the years I have learned some lessons and found tools that I would like to share with you to help you reclaim your power if you have lost it in encounters with a narcissist.
First of all, how do you recognize if you are dealing with one? Here are some tell-tale signs of narcissistic behaviors:
- They will not tolerate criticism of any kind and erupt like a volcano
- They objectify you and will only use you to serve their agenda
- They are superficial and lack empathy
- They do not assume any accountability for their actions and are masters of deflection
- If you ever hear any sort of apology from them, it will be “I am sorry you feel that way”
- They blame others for anything that did not go according to plan
- They can be very charming on the outside and are masters of disguise
The last point makes it so tricky to understand that you are being used as a pawn when interacting with a narcissist. It all looks wonderful on the outside until they are sensing a threat of exposure. That is when all hell breaks loose, and they show their true colors. This leads me to what NOT to do when dealing with a narcissist – never confront them outright. You cannot win that argument.
Working or living with a narcissist is hard. You might be quick to conclude that one should just leave the situation, and that would not be a bad piece of advice if it were that easy. Sometimes there are co-dependencies. The narcissist might be a close family member. At work, you may have to endure these emotional outbreaks from a manager, because you are unable to leave your job. The problem is that narcissists create a cobweb of lies around you, and every time you try to escape it, they spin their web a little wider.
Through my training as a professional coach, I learned that in any given relationship or situation we have power over our thoughts, feelings, and actions and we always have these five options:
- Remain a victim
- Leave the situation
- Accept it as is
- Change it
- Change your perspective
In dealing with a narcissist, option 2 (leave it) is indeed the healthiest one. I recently listened to a Podcast by Mel Robbins who chatted with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, one of the greatest authorities in the field of narcissism. One of the significant takeaways was that “you cannot change the weather in Chicago”. Meaning that if you are thinking that you can change the behavior of a narcissist, your efforts are wasted.
I spent years in therapy to process my experience living with a narcissist. Trying to understand why I was letting him belittle me and steal my joy and power, even feeling guilty for leaving him. Therapy is certainly a healthy way if you have been exposed to a narcissist over an extended period, like me. I also recommend checking out the YouTube channel of Dr. Ramani (https://www.youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani). If you are dealing with a narcissist at work, I suggest considering me as your coach to maneuver this difficult situation. Contact me at angela@belladonnacareercoach.com to chat!