How frequently do you find yourself choosing to remain passive rather than acting in the situation in front of you? How often do you say “yes” to requests to avoid confrontation? Do you ever let unpleasant situations play themselves out in hopes all will be well, instead of stepping up to the plate and taking ownership? If any of this sounds familiar to you, you might have strong tendencies of an “avoider” or recognize these tendencies in someone else.

What is an avoider? How does one become an avoider? And what can you do if avoidance has become a pattern for you or someone you work with? Have you recognized that it is time to make some changes? 

An avoider focuses on the positive and pleasant in extreme ways, and stays away from conflict with others, out of fear that either their feelings or someone else’s feelings get hurt. Chronic avoiders are created. During their childhood, they have either not learned how to deal with difficult emotions or grew up in an environment with constant conflict. They may have become the peacemaker and they learned how to not add to the tension. Their behavior might be passive-aggressive rather than direct and they might deflect their problems and tasks to others, which can become a real problem within a team.

So now that you know how to recognize chronic avoidance in yourself or others, it is time to stop avoiding it altogether! 

Changing someone else’s behavior requires buy-in from them and acknowledgment that their avoidance has created a problem in the first place and that continuing this pattern does not serve them or the team. The same applies if you want to stop avoidance from sabotaging your career. 

As a coach, I like utilizing a pain/gain model to help my clients explore what they are gaining vs. losing by either staying in the current situation vs. making a change. It is important to allow the individual to conclude what they might gain from changing their avoidance:

• Deeper relationships with others
• Greater level of trust of others when being more open with information and feelings
• Gaining insights into oneself by allowing the feeling of pain
• Greater resilience in difficult situations
• Higher levels of productivity
• Defining personal boundaries

Addressing avoidance and acknowledging our vulnerabilities can be scary. After all, it took many years to build up our defense mechanism and it served our survival during our childhood. The way back to our authentic selves is a lifelong journey. If you are ready to embark on it and are looking for a coach to guide you on your way, contact me at angela@belladonnacareercoach.com.