Series - Becoming a better leader by utilizing coaching tools – Part 2 Validating Feelings
The corporate world is still very much an environment where expressing feelings is not the norm, especially uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, disappointment, or disgust. Many leaders are of the opinion that it makes them look weak if they are openly expressing feelings in front of their teams, and they are equally uncomfortable dealing with employees who shed tears or demonstrate outbursts of anger.
The truth is that all feelings are normal and part of the human experience. In this second part of my series “Becoming a better leader by utilizing coaching tools” I will share how validating feelings helps you and your teams to express emotions in a safe way, remove the guilt associated with having these emotions in the first place, and how to make everyone feel seen and heard.
Before I share exactly how to validate the feelings of others, let’s take a quick look at the wheel of emotions to recognize the vast range of existing feelings:
There are over 100 feelings that one can express, and I encourage everyone to expand their vocabulary when it comes to naming the feeling they are having or observing in others.
Validating feelings in others does not mean that you agree with the other person’s thoughts or actions. It simply means that you are normalizing what they are experiencing. When validating feelings, you should never say “I know how you are feeling”, because you don’t. You may have experienced a similar situation and might be able to relate, but our feelings and the way we experience them are unique to everyone.
Instead, try one of the following sentence stems suggested by iPEC (The Institute of Excellence in Coaching):
- “You have every right to feel (pick a feeling from the wheel of emotions and name it), because…”
- “It is understandable you feel X, given the circumstances.”
- “Based on your values, it is completely normal you feel (name the feeling)”
- “It is not surprising you feel X based on what you just experienced.”
You get the gist; name the feeling you observe and normalize the situation for the other person. When you practice validation with your team, you create an environment of empathy and allow the team to express themselves authentically and without the fear of being judged.
Validating feelings is a great tool not only for leaders at work but in all areas of life. Make it a habit within all your relationships and observe how it may deepen them. Let me know how it goes and if you need help practicing, contact me at angela@belladonnacareercoach.com.