Yes, BUT – Navigating constant resistance

Resistance and objections can come in many ways, and as a professional coach, I am trained to a) identify them and b) formulate a plan to weaken or dissolve them.  Recently, this skill of mine was tremendously challenged when I moved back to Germany, a country where the standard response appears to be “yes, BUT…” 

We have all encountered it.  We offer a thought, an idea, or an observation, and before we have even finished our sentence, everything we just said is being devalued by a simple “yes, but…”.  German people value being right, and everything goes by the book.  The problem with this mindset of insisting on being right is that someone else must be wrong.  The co-existence of two or more possibilities is ruled out, which does not feel good when you are on the receiving end.

I have found myself numerous times in the past weeks dealing with government employees who have lectured me every step of the way as I was attempting to reestablish my residence.  I came prepared to each appointment with research, documentation, and a positive attitude, only to get shut down with a “yes, BUT…” followed by a variation of “these rules don’t apply to you” for whatever reason.  Add to that a stoic, non-empathetic delivery, and you can imagine how I felt: discouraged, unwelcomed, and diminished. 

While I have no ambition to take on an entire nation and teach them a kinder way of communication and to open their eyes to other possibilities than the ones they currently hold tight to, I needed to come to grips with the gap between my motherland’s values and mine.  I, too, appreciate rules and orderliness; what I do not appreciate is a closed mindset and people who need to demonstrate their authority by scolding and correcting you or, even worse, shutting you down with a “yes, but.”  Clearly, this is a trigger for me. Here are a few things I recommend to help take the sting out of a situation when navigating constant resistance:

• Embrace small talk at the beginning of the conversation.  By commenting cheerfully on an observation and finding a common interest, you will relate to your opponent on a human level.  For example, “I see a souvenir from Paris; I too love Paris so much that I celebrated a big birthday party there.  What took you to Paris?”
• Try not to take things personally.  The rules were not created with you in mind. They were created to account efficiently for the most frequently encountered circumstances and do not always consider circumstances outside of the norm.
• Focus the conversation on solutions.  Ask, “What do you suggest I do next?” or “Who else can I talk to?”. At least find out what the next step is for you.
• Be kind and courteous.  It is so easy to give in to frustration when you are not met with empathy.
• Try to find the humor in the situation.  It may require a little distance to laugh it off, and once you do, you release stagnant energy. 
• Remember what you can control and what you cannot control.  You can’t control the circumstances but can always control your thoughts, feelings, and actions, so choose wisely.

I hope that these suggestions help you as they are helping me deal with resistance on any scale; it doesn’t have to be taking on an entire nation.  I chose to return to Germany and am grateful for a perspective that helps me cope and move forward on my journey, focusing on all of the positives, such as the proximity to family and other European countries, and of course the great food, and wine.  Cheers!